Manhattan

I was nervous.  I had agreed to participate in a Zoom panel which included reading from my pre-published book, In the Time of Coronavirus. but it’s been a long time since I’ve spoken to a group.  As I was practicing, reading the blog post a few times, I noticed my voice sounded like it was stuck in my throat.  I did not think that was a good thing.  

When I was younger and I upset someone, I would replay the incident over and over again. I found it intolerable that someone would be upset or angry with me. It felt devastating. I would apologize again and again, becoming a nuisance. Sometimes people would be more upset with my groveling than they were with the original upset. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. It felt like anything I did that hurt others was unforgivable. There was no fun to be had.

“Almost everything will work if you unplug it for a few minutes….including you.”  -Anne Lamott-”  

There are some days that I just don’t want to do anything.  And if I have to do something it can feel particularly labored.  I woke up this morning with a strong case of I don’t wanna.  I was still tired, though I received eight hours of sleep.  I was achy even though I’m stretching more given the needs of being in my mid-60s.  I was able to get away last weekend, though it now feels like it was weeks ago.

It was a quiet day. Not the reading a book while sipping tea on a rainy-day type of quiet. It was quiet because I wasn’t plugged into a device. The TV was not on. The quiet came from not connecting my phone to my earbuds to listen to a book, a podcast or music. It’s even quiet now as I’m writing this. Lucy, who is asleep next to me isn’t even snoring. She must be enjoying the quiet, too.

This past week I heard of the death of two people from my past. I heard from three people presently who are ill, and we are all hearing about too many in our world who are in pain, who are suffering, or who have experienced significant losses. Life is precious.

We can be shiny and perfect and admired, or we can be real and honest and vulnerable and loved. But we actually do have to choose. --Glennon Doyle Melton

I listen to Glennon’s podcast, “We Can Do Hard Things.”  On one of her podcasts she said that she used to worry that no one was listening to her.  Her audiences were small, her readership small.  But then she started seeing and hearing the few who were listening.  She realized that each person was important, not the number itself.  It was so meaningful to hear that.  I have taken it to heart.

As a psychotherapist I’ve noticed that so many people in and out of my office will say, “I know this is boring, but…” Traditionally therapists don’t respond, we only listen. I’m more interactive, so I respond to the statement that they think what they have to say is boring. I’m curious. I don’t find what they tell me boring. But I want to know how they see it themselves. The subject matter is secondary to their perceptions and experiences of living their lives. I am fascinated by that. Luckily my profession affords me to privilege of hearing their insights and opinions regarding their lives.

"Salad can get a bad rap. People think of bland and watery iceberg lettuce, but in fact, salads are an art form." - Marcus Samuelsson

I made miso dressing this past week. It turned out well.  I tweaked the recipe so that it had a slight sweetness to balance the umami tones.  Before that it was buttermilk dressing.  Growing up we had a fresh salad every night.  And my mother was a stickler for homemade dressing.  She favored vinaigrettes when I got older, but before that we enjoyed homemade Russian dressing, Thousand Island Dressing, Italian, and Roquefort.    There was a distinct difference between her dressings and the bottled versions of Wishbone and Kraft.  

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent”
Victor Hugo

Yesterday I was in sweats, my hair, stiff, frizzy, and dry while getting paperwork done in-between laundry loads.  Nothing glamorous about the day.  I was comfortable and perhaps a bit tired from a late night.  The late night was very unexpected.  I had a subscription to the New York Pops at Carnegie Hall.  It has turned out to be a marvelous series.  On Friday night I, along with a sold-out house, thoroughly enjoyed an evening of Gershwin music featuring the vocalist, Montego Glover and the pianist, Lee Musiker.  

“Don’t wait for people to tell you who you are.  Show them. “ 

Laura Benanti

I just came home from seeing Audible Theater’s production of Nobody Cares, written and performed by Laura Benanti.  She is a singular talent.  Before the show there were a bevy of celebrities in the audience including Patti Lupone, Sarah Bareiles, and Larry Owens.  They came to enjoy an evening featuring their colleague and friend.  

“Procrastinate now, don't put it off.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

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I spent yesterday  procrastinating.  I cooked, I baked, I looked things up online.  What I didn’t do was tally my expenses for budgeting and taxes.  I am not fond of bookkeeping.  Nonetheless, I was able to sit down and focus after I did everything I could to avoid the inevitable.  It wasn’t as bad as I anticipated.  Nor was it as fun as taking the day off.  

“True empowerment comes from knowing and embracing your own worth.”

Beverly Johnson

I just saw the new one woman show, In Vogue, in which Beverly Johnson shares her life’s story with a backdrop of photos of her, the culture, and other iconic people, movements, and moments in history.  

“Just do what works for you, because there will always be someone who thinks differently.”  Michelle Obama

I love quotes.  When I first started my psychotherapy private practice in the mid-90s before there were iPhones and Facebook, I had an answering machine, and the recording included quotes on there.  I changed them monthly or so, and it felt nice.  But I was a new therapist and I wanted to do things right.  It felt right to me.  Nonetheless, I was told by a senior therapist, one who I respected, that I might want to rethink having something so personal on my outgoing message.  The common practice was to be as neutral as possible. Her thinking was that a chosen quote could possibly be sharing unnecessary private information about me or, it might be misconceived.  

This week I’m sharing some past sunsets.  Seeing sunrises and sunsets makes me smile.  Sunsets remind me that nothing is permanent.  And sunrises are an apt metaphor that we always have a chance at a new beginning.  Both sentiments give me some peace.  And we could all use peace.

As the year approaches its end, forgiveness is on my mind.  I find that forgiveness is a process, though I used to imagine it was a one and done affair.  I earnestly believed that I could forgive someone and then I’d be okay with them.  I found that not to be the case.  It was easier to forgive if the person made changes.  Meaning they either stopped the offending behavior, or they started acting in a way they had avoided prior. 

I’m watching Barbra Streisand on PBS in her Back to Brooklyn concert.  The first time I heard her voice was in 1968 when the movie Funny Girl came out.  I was enthralled, though I wouldn’t have known that word as an eight-year-old.  Since then I’ve been a fan, attending her movies, and watching her tv specials.  I only had the opportunity to see her in-person once when she came back to Brooklyn in 2016.  It was magical.  

Napping was my top priority this past week.  They were usually twenty to thirty minutes max.  They made a tremendous difference in my mood.  I was able to get through the week with a greater capacity for patience.  I had more room for the things that usually get under my skin, like loud car horns in grid lock, or the annoying overspill from packages protected with shredded paper or other messy stuffing. 

I spilled my coffee earlier this week.  And I then let out a loud string of expletives to vocalize my frustration.  I cleaned up the mess and then rushed to work.  Not the way I had wanted to start my day.  My reaction, though provoked,  made it clear that I need some down time.  It may not be the vacation that I’ve fantasized, but even an evening in, or a task free afternoon will do at this point.